Individuality - Therapy in Lancaster Pennsylvania
Individuality
By: Marcus Lewis, LPC, NCC, Fully Trained EMDR - Primary Therapist
Who doesn’t enjoy a good happy hour, book club, or small group? Social circles matter and time spent with friends can be times filled with growth and learning. However, our uniqueness can be at risk if we intertwine it with the value you hold in our social circle. If a man is not faithful to help his own individuality, he cannot be loyal to anything. - Claude McKay.
If someone were to ask what makes you unique, what would you say? What do you think they would notice? Looking in the mirror is something we do daily, but what do we see? What has been pre-approved to be seen by the world. In each of us lies a value system. We gravitate towards a set of morals and self-expectations daily. What we are also seeing though is how others see us and that can be a heavy weight to carry. However, living by those values is what aligns with our happiness and sense of wholeness. In our younger years, we develop social attachments in hopes to find others that share those values or at the very least, accept us without judgement. The day we feel judged by our peers, there’s the gut reaction of confusion, maybe even panic. The relationships feel fragile, then our social network is in question. It’s hard to leave, but with compromising yourself, your sense of authenticity starts to become compromised. The unconditional acceptance you once felt is now gone, leaving behind an urge to be accepted, regardless of the emotional and mental cost it is to you. The loyalty you once felt towards the group is now directed towards the conditions of acceptance. This kind of acceptance is unable to be measured. You're left with the exhaustion of reading every nonverbal cue, hoping that you get a felt sense of connection, whether it's real or not. Before you know it, you are lost and the who the group expects you to be is the new, compromised you. The one who is not aligned with your core being.
One of the biggest consequences of seeking constant approval from a group is losing the connection with yourself. Our most defining moments are linked to a threat of what’s important to us. It's biochemistry at work to seek a healthy social attachment. However, there's a trade-off and that trade-off is an internal disconnection with our core being. Our friends miss out too. They miss seeing the shiny parts of our hearts and character. The likelihood to connect with new people is low because we will be subscribed to the collective group.
There’s no one fits all approach in remaining true to yourself, but self-reflection is a good start. What does everyone expect of you and how do you meet those expectations? What will happen if the group rejects you or you feel the impending doom of being casted out? These are run of the mill questions when we are faced with a choice to make. When I meet with clients, there is always a connection between stress, anxiety or depression and the need to fit the expectations of others. In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, this fits with being psychologically inflexible. In other words, we experience internal struggles when we are not in alignment with our sense of meaning and core value systems. We latch on the destructive language that can only lead to our symptoms increasing and the toll they take on our mental and physical well-being. Avoidance is tethered to our brains because we want the false sense of safety. However, there is power in acceptance. “Acceptance is an ongoing voluntary process; it never remains constant. Acceptance is part of an open stance taken toward life, that general stance needs to be lived out moment by moment “(Hayes, Strosahl & Wilson, 2012, p. 273). Common sense tells us that we cannot control what others think about us, but viscerally that be hard to come to terms with. As these situations arise, being present in the moment gives you full permission to put your needs first but without judgement. What feels like impending doom, may, in fact, be your value system alarm going off because an adjustment needs to be made. Rejection stings. It can hurt in ways that reminds us of the control we don’t have. You still have a choice and your authentic core being is what your value system needs for a sense of internal alignment or in other words, your happiness. Growth is where we can learn in an environment where we can be ourselves. As evolving beings, community is necessary for our growth. However, if the group misaligns with your core, it’s time to readjust.
