How to Better Support Your Partner's Sexual Desires
We are all wired differently, and that goes for what turns us on as well. Having a healthy sex life and building on our intimacy is a big part of our romantic relationship. To meet each other’s needs we must be willing to truly listen to our partner, with as little judgment and loads of curiosity. It’s when we feel accepted that we can be vulnerable on both physical and emotional levels.
Schedule a Time to Have the Talk
Knowing when we’ll be having important conversations allows all parties involved to feel prepared for the discussion. It’s a good idea to schedule a weekly time where you discuss wants, needs, and current expectations as a couple. You could even have an agenda of the topics up for discussion. When you feel relaxed and prepared, you’re more likely to stay curious and open-minded.
Be Curious and Objective
Sometimes when we don’t agree with something we immediately switch from curiosity to judgment to drive the discussion in the direction that aligns with us. When your partner is expressing his wants and needs, it’s not about you - it is about his preferences and what arouses him. It doesn’t mean that by listening and asking questions that you are giving consent, you are merely showing interest and respecting his needs.
By taking an objective approach you’ll be able to better understand and pick up the minor details. Think of it as listening to a YouTube video on a topic that you’re not an expert on. Don’t be afraid to ask questions for clarification.
Be Aware of The Underlying Needs
Many times our fantasies could act as clues to what we are craving in reality. For instance, if your partner wants you to be more submissive in the bedroom it could be that they are craving the feeling of control or power. Are they struggling with being assertive at work or maybe feeling unheard in the relationship? The same goes for your reaction towards their sexual requests - are you reluctant to consent because of resentment in other areas of your relationship and responsibilities? Your partner’s suggestion of role-playing during sex might be less about rejecting you as you are, and more about craving adventure and play.
It would be ideal if you could address both your physical needs and underlying emotional needs as well. When we are in psychological balance it is much easier to be aware of our bodies and desires. At the end of the day, the best intimacy comes from mind and body connections. Being loved unconditionally is what most people crave, so being accepted for who we are, unique preferences, and all will bring us closer together.
If it doesn’t come naturally for you to be non-judgemental it may be helpful to discuss it with a therapist. A sex therapist could help you prepare responses and understand your own needs and desires as well. Our practice is based in Lancaster, Pennsylvania and we accept most Highmark Blue and Blue Shield insurances. Reach out to one of our therapists today.
